Geometric Allegory

2013

Hey there…  This is a post-manic rant written stream-of-consciousness.  If you’ve ever experienced a “spiritual emergency / bipolar manic episode with psychotic features” then you’ll probably understand my almost compulsive need to process what happened.  

The background: For four months, I broke from my reality.  It was completely unexpected.  I am 41 years old and have never experienced anything even remotely associated with a bipolar psychosis.  Sure, I’ve had the garden-variety depression and anxiety, but this “experience” was one in which I perceived the world in an entirely different way.  The self that I knew collapsed and so did the world in which I lived.  In its place, I fell into a marvelous world that was mystical, spiritual, and at times even prophetic. Though I had never been even remotely religious or spiritual, I now have a profound sense of my conception of God. 

Because of the severity of the mania, my doctors and family were at a loss.

During that time, I was arrested twice and sent to psychiatric hospitals four times. Doctors put me on every medication available and nothing brought about any change.  I was lost to “divine madness.”  During that time, I wrote down hundreds of pages of thoughts, I drew so many bizarre geometric patterns, and I befriended religious people, homeless people, and any stranger passing by. In typical bipolar fashion, I quit my job so that I could dedicate myself to my personal understanding of God and my relation to Him.  

Yep.  I freely admit I slipped in the rabbit hole (or wormhole) for four months, and then–as quickly as its onset occurred–the mania stopped.  

It stopped.

The bubble ballooned to the earth, and my world solidified back to the familiar, the mundane, the uninspired.  And I was frightened now.  You see, I believed the event was divine, but now I had to contend with the fact that it was a manic episode apparently brought on by the drug Provigil.  What had happened to me?  Was it true?  But that world felt so real….  I was there!    

So.  Now I am in the aftermath.  I’m surrounded by fragments of visions, conversations, strangely “coincidental” events, and so much more.  My profound belief in God has stayed with me, including the way in which I communicate with Him, but I am not connected in some psychosis. 

Anyhow…

About this video….  It’s definitely a mess and in no way profound or particularly meaningful to anyone but myself.  By using my “creative” mind, I’m trying to make meaning of the spiritual emergency/bipolar manic episode.  The symbols and stories are important to me and my conception of reality, but I know it’s not some universal truth (though others might share similar ideas and beliefs). 

In the mania, I focused quite a bit on many aspects of duality.  One of those aspects concerned males and females. I felt a powerfully divine female energy that up until this point in history has been perceived as evil.  The energy of that female force challenged my perspectives in so many ways: it altered my sense of history, my role as male, and my view of the future.  Blahh… Blah… Blahhh…. Right?

I often imagined the male and female symbols emerging from the archetypal stick figure.  In my world of mania, the female was X and the male was Y.  (This seemed apparent in the X and Y chromosomes and even the X and Y axis on a graph…  Crazy, eh?  Ha!  I suppose it’s common to find meaning where it might not “really” be; or perhaps its meaning that is particularly applicable to me.)

Male energy seemed like a force, a pressing forth, like a verb that denotes action and shoots its energy forward.  Female energy seemed almost like an event, a “taking in,” like a noun who conjugates with a verb and then creates motion….

On the female symbol, I saw that plus sign-thing that sticks down (or X sideways), and it appeared to be like the Christ on the cross or the 0,0 point on the x y-axis. ♀. I would puzzle and think, “Why do we have an X Y chromosome, the X Y-axis, and little male/female symbols that kind of look like an X and upside down Y from a stick figure?”

X♀X♀X♀X♀X♀X♀X♀X♀X♀X♀X♀

                      *    

                 *    *                  

           *          *   ∞  * * * * * * * * * e 

    *                 *         

Y♂Y♂Y♂Y♂Y♂Y♂Y♂Y♂Y♂Y♂Y♂

To me, the male “arrow” seemed like he pointed right to that center-point, that 0,0 in the X Y axis of male and female energy. I wrote a lot on the subject and I intend to explore it further.  Even this random writing is helpful because it allows me to process.

It seems that once motion starts, it never stops.  The action compels it forward into something that resembles Zeno’s Paradox, which is quite literally time immemorial.

In any event, if you happened to read this, thank you for being a part of my journey and allowing my story to be a part of yours.

At what point did we culturally accept a collective god that is both nameless and “everything”?  I simply cannot connect to a paradox.  It is not enough to justify the struggles and suffering of humans with a simple acceptance that all is good.

All is not good, and—philosophically speaking—nor should it be.  

Do you wonder why the great transcendentalists were so quiet after their explosion of significant works?  

Paul Weller Complete – Riotstories

http://www.riotstories.co.uk/wp…/12/Paul-Weller-Complete-master-copy.pdf‎

“black sheep boy” story music blessed forever thank you prophetic

◦   Cached

I’ve heard them all talking – I guess you have too – adding flickers to the flame. D ….. Etched forever as a moment we’d remember – and we’d remember …… Beware false prophets – take a stand ….. Looks like that you’re the next blessed in town …… See the shine in the black sheep boy …… I want to stop, and thank you, baby,.

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